Studying Causative ”B” in Martha's class made me think about my son and myself.
Back in Paris, I could have been a tiger mother. I love Neils so much that I was willing to do more than I should have for him. At least, I tried to be a real Korean mother to my French son, but he didn’t go along with my plan at all. He didn’t let me do what I thought was my job as a mother, and with many regrets, I had to let go.
I was a young single mother and Neils was my sunshine. I made many sacrifices to be able to afford his private school. I had him go to Korean school on Wednesday afternoons and study English at the British Council in Paris as well. I made him do swimming, chess, fencing, piano, judo, taekwondo, golf, violin, and most of all singing. He got into in children’s chorus of a very exclusive conservatory in Paris, Le Conservatoire de Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
The morning in the day of registration, I had to wake up at five o’clock in order to obtain a place for him. He was only eight. I invited the staff to dinner and it worked out just fine - in France you have to do that, and a lot of things happen because someone pulls strings. When Neils was admitted to the school, I was very proud of having my son study there and, of course, of myself. That was a perfect beginning. It didn’t work out so well, though. After only few months, the director called me and told me that Neils was too immature for the school, and that he would have to leave and come back later. Even though he explained it politely, I took it personally and badly. It was an insult.
I held back the tears for quite a while, but as soon as I got to my work, I ended up bursting into tears in front of my employees. I lamented that nothing was working out with Neils. I didn’t deserve that. I really blamed Neils for not working hard enough. He should have worked harder if he loved me. Then, I tried to get him to work in other areas by pushing him even more, and after awhile it all backfired on me.
Finally one day he spoke up. “Why should I work? You do what you want, Dad does what he wants, therefore I‘ll do what I want.” He was determined. He definitely let me know that I was throwing money out of the window. We had a huge fight and our relationship became very tense. I was furious, mad and unable to control myself. Hopelessly, I dissolved into anger. I spoke to friends and family, but their advice was insufficient. Since I desperately needed professional help, I went to see a psychologist.
At first, the doctor let me vent for an hour. I explained the disturbing situation and told her how terrible I felt. After I calmed down, the doctor said, “ Why do you consider your son only as a pupil? Love him as a mother instead of having him work or making him study. Don’t confuse your main role.“ Her words resonated with me. Indeed, that answered my question perfectly. It was concise, wise, and easy. That I can’t make my son do things he doesn’t want to do, and my role is to love him anyway. I took her advice willingly and I found peace immediately.
Year after, although I gave up on pushing him, I still had a hard time controlling myself. When the son of my friend was dancing while “Fantasia" was playing, Neils just stood there watching like a statue, which made me nervous.
One beautiful spring day, the Korean Embassy in France held an art contest for children in their gorgeous garden. Neils went there with his Dad. Then a couple of days later, one of my clients told me that she saw Neils’ work at the event and said he had done a good job there. A few days later when the Embassy called me to say Neils had won the third prize; I was euphoric and delighted to hear that, and I told everyone. That day, I realized that like other members of the family, he was gifted in art. Drawing and painting were his thing. I should have known this. It made me especially happy because I knew it runs in our family. I felt so awful about my past actions. Obviously, I bought many painting materials to encourage him to paint. I felt fortunate to be the mother of a future artist.
I must admit that I made many mistakes. I was a beginner at being a mother, and therefore I was awkward for the role. My obsession has separated me from the one I love the most.
Now, I’m studying in New York, even though that used to be a plan I had for my son. I’m preparing for a Masters degree in Marketing Cosmetics and Fragrance. Neils supports me although he didn’t want to come with me right now and prefers to stay with his Dad in Paris. Last winter I heard him saying that he was happy in Paris, it was the very first time I heard him using the word HAPPINESS. I was glad in a way but I must say I felt a little pain. He said he wants to work in the UN and he did tell me to get everything ready for him, which gave me hope.
He’s taking piano lessons, but he has abandoned the violin and does theater instead. Still, when I think of his violin gathering dust in the corner of his room, I get a little annoyed. I know that the best way to show my love is to believe him and trust him more than anything else and the best thing I can do for him is love him no matter what.
In 2008 at Korean Embassy, Paris
August 19, 2011 in the United Nations, New York
